Hi All
So i kind of touched on it on my last post but… I’m really having to reevaluate my walk and am kind of in a strange mental space. I’m not quite sure what my next step should be besides coming and talking to Him more and maybe… that’s all i need… Who knows? Not me yet 🤷🏽♀️ lol
Today’s church sermon ( I tuned in remote because I didn’t even feel well enough to go in person) touched on forgiveness & one thing i did realize is that there is someone that I definitely am holding something against and need to forgive. My Pastor even said something so specific that the message just had to be for me. He said how someone’s been waking up at 3 in the morning not knowing why they’re up when they’re dog tired and it’s God’s reminder that He has us.
I’ve literally been waking up at 3AM REPEATEDLY over the past week and been struggling to find my way back to sleep… My mind has been constantly rushing and it’s been pretty hard to just be…
Now after hearing today’s sermon forgiving is going to be one of the things i work on to try to get back to my place of peace within myself and Him.
Another thing that I’ve noticed i need to work on and honestly known i had to but just never for Godly reasons, is my anxiety. It’s kept me from joining my churches choir, doing the things God tells me to do for my growth because i don’t want to be seen, and a lot more.
The fact that it’s an issue manifested itself yesterday when i had a vendor booth and my anxiety got the best of me. I didn’t do as well as i thought i would going into it or as well as God had been telling me i could do.
Upon arrival and trying to set up, i noticed that i didn’t think that i was given my full 8ft square space and it just went downhill from there. I felt so cramped and anxious that i wasn’t even able to force myself to be personable like usual and it showed.
I don’t know if anyone else is like this but if i’m not doing too well emotionally but am holding it together… it’s like the second someone asks me how i am.. i completely fall apart 😂 It never fails! so knowing that, i kept from asking anyone how they were or trying to say much outside of a hi or good morning to avoid being asked how i was because i just knew i’d end up tearing up with all the anxiety running through me.
While yes, people thought my jewelry was beautiful etc. i know for a fact that my vibe prevented me from doing as well as usual. I just couldn’t bring myself to be as welcoming and friendly and that resulted in a profitable day but not as profitable as if i had actually put myself out there like I’m usually able to.
i really felt like God was telling me that it was time for me to start working on my anxiety and stop letting it get the best of me. I won’t be able to be as successful as He’s calling me to be if i continue to let it be an inhibitor in my life.
there are more than enough scriptures on it but I’ve yet to really take them to heart and utilize them for my growth. I had kind of just accepted that i had social anxiety and anxiety issues in general and let that be what it was but I’m going to have to start facing it head on with His Word backing my every move.
Anyway, I thank you for taking time to run through my inner reflections with me and there is sure to be a lot to come on my forgiveness and anxiety fighting journey. What’re you currently struggling with or have you ever had trouble with forgiveness or anxiety?
-xoxo VANITY ANN