Hi All
So i doubt that this blog is at the point where it was really even noticed, if at all, but I’ve unexpectedly skipped the last two days due to some distractions in my life… While i did indeed read the intended Proverbs chapter for each day, I didn’t set aside the time to blog or watch/listen to sermons like usual.
I originally wanted to get on here and give a real broad stroke explanation of things and stay private but.. I really think giving a full view of what actually happened with me is a much better testimony than trying to beat around the bush…
The father of my child/Ex husband, that i have been with on and off even after our divorce, flew up for Thanksgiving and stayed at my parents house with us, in the other guest room. I was super happy to have him here in a way and had been missing his good qualities although i still have a lot of trauma tied to our past relationship…s 😅
Having him back with us after about 2 months had me flooded with feelings both good and bad. I was loving his presence, hugs and sense of humor but still to this day had the feeling every time he went missing or took too long in the bathroom that he was just using that time to contact females and it just kept me in an anxious state that i haven’t felt in quite some time (probably 2 months lol) No we’re not together so i “technically” have no reason to be bothered by it, but that feeling just doesn’t leave and if you’re going to be in my space (my parents house) the least you could do is hold off on that out of respect since you’re not in a relationship and not headed towards one (his words).
Anyway, there came a point when we were out at my niece’s bday party where my feeling was confirmed when I had walked over to him and he rushed off the phone with some female (his admission) … it was like all the old feelings of worthlessness and not being chosen all came flooding back and i just stormed off in tears, trying my best to keep it contained in front of strangers and failing lol
Now it’s still that same day, he’s left, and I must say… while i did have to get a good cry out… I don’t feel as crushed as i used to in these moments… I used to cry for hours on hours and completely shut down, but here i am about to give a testimony about how i kept my eyes on the Lord and have cleaned up after that disappointment in record time.
Not only that, but I’m seeing that it was God putting it in my spirit not to have moved with him (that was our original plan but I couldn’t bring myself to do it). if i had, I’m sure i would’ve still been going through all the same old things with him except worse because my daughter would be there to witness it all.
I just really want to thank God for keeping me when i didn’t know how to keep myself, for protecting me from making any rash decisions that would’ve cost me and my daughter our peace and just seeing things that i don’t and making me stronger through it all… Here are some of His words that are currently keeping me:
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
James 1:2-4 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
Romans 8:18 “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is going to be revealed to us.”
I can honestly say that if it wasn’t for me getting back into the word and closer to god, I would not be as strong as I am right now. He actually used that situation (failed relationship) to bring me closer to Him and show me that I can’t put trust in a man but I can definitely put it in Him.
Thank you for reading and more importantly… thank Him for keeping us.
-xoxo VANITY ANN